Guilty as Charged

From the moment I saw those two pink lines this time two years ago, to the moment when I gave birth and all the moments in between, I have felt love, bliss, awe and that one small emotion that started out as a seed and has grown into a field of unkempt guilt. Mother guilt, parent guilt, however you politically want to say it - I have it. Guilt. Yesterday was rather hard. I received some mail regarding my graduate school orientation. I felt excited and then by the time I was on the blue line on my way to work, as the train was stuck on the tracks midway between Damen and California, I began to tear up. I was excited because school was fast approaching, but so are the months where 3-4 days a week, I will only see Vivi for 90 mins in the morning. Not counting work events and hours I need to spend on homework, Vivi won't be seeing much of her mama and that makes me quite sad. She is the reason why I decided to take a risk, make my dream of being a writer an actual goal and this very goal is what is taking me away from the being that motivated me in the first place. I told Cesar that I am going to put a picture of myself on the fridge, so she won't forget me. He said, "How is she going to forget you?" and I said I was going to do it anyway. Cesar understands why I am doing this. He is my other motivating force. He supports me and loves me and we have been through this before. He used to work nights and Saturdays, I used to work days, so we only saw each other on Sundays for about 2 years. I missed him terribly, but we both understood that is what we needed to do at the time. He understands that, but how do I explain that to our 15-month old? He tells me not to worry, that she is young and better now than later, that she loves me. He also knows he is married to a true emotional Pisces who's so sensitive that I cry at corny, sentimental commercials and when I hear sad stories about people I don't even know. So, there I was on the train, not bawling, but tears hopping off the rims, hoping no one in car 2246 noticed the woman with the wild frizzy hair and quivering bottom lip, wipe running mascara away from her eyes.
I love my girl. I won't ever stop feeling guilty for not being there for her. Her grandmas and Cesar will see or hear many of her firsts and I won't. She will be closer to them than the lady on the fridge. Sure, this is sounding super ultra dramatic, but my heart aches for the time I won't be there. I can't fail. I won't fail. I will give my all to being a mom, to being a wife, to being a writer, so at least I have no regrets. I never want to look back and say, "I should have tried harder." So, I give myself my own kick in the ass. Yes, I will allow myself my down moments. I will allow myself some tears, but I am putting a time limit on it. The more time I spend on feeling guilty and sad, the less time I have to put towards the positive people and blessings in my life. The guilt will never fade, but for the next three years, I am locking it up the best that I can.