Ready or Not

37 weeks
Picture taken of me at 36w

The day approaches quickly yet quietly. Time is no longer flying, rather it is jetting by, taking with it all that I know as my life now. The pick-up and go moments to go eat, watch a movie or go shopping. The silent nights where the only noise is the humming of the heater and the ice maker making what else, but ice. It is going to go away shortly. There will be a little one, my little one to think about. We won’t be able to go somewhere without taking her along or getting a babysitter. And those silent nights? Replaced with cries of hunger, wet diapers, nights where she may be sick and feeling bad.

When I walk into her room, painted a dark purple, her name on the wall, butterflies all around, her bookcase filling up with stories that we will read to her and one day stories she will read to us, I welcome time to take those other moments away. For they will be replaced with so many firsts. The first day we bring her home filled with excitement and uncertainty, hoping that the maternal instinct does kick in. Watching her sleep, caressing her hair, giving her a bath, making her smile or shall I say she will be mirroring my smile, as I look at her in awe. At how beautiful she is. At how she is part her father and part me, and yet her own little being. She is not an empty canvas, she will have her own personality, but Cesar and I can help paint her life. We can can add some vibrant colors, add some powerful images, some in the background, just as important and less obvious. She will do the rest and we just need to provide her with the proper brushes, enough paint of all colors and let her create – herself.

I am asked often if I am ready. I am as ready as I am going to get, I say. I have prepared for all that can be prepared for. We took the childbirth and CPR classes, we have all the furniture, the clothes, the bottles, the stair gate, the paperwork, everything tangible. We are ready in that aspect. When it comes to being ready as a mother, well I hope I am. I have read many books, spoken to many mothers, but it won’t be until I have her in my arms, will I be ready. Will I know. The moment I become a mother.