Johnny Cash Never Had This Kind of Ring of Fire

39 w 6 days
4:01AM

Two days till my due date. Not only is that one of the reasons I cannot sleep, but also the fact that my hips feel like they are be cranked with a pair of pliers; pain that keeps me awake. I decide to check my email and look at what I read and the picture they provided:

"As your baby's head crowns, you will experience a burning or stinging sensation, often referred to as the ring of fire, as your baby stretches the vaginal opening. As soon as you feel this, stop pushing! If you continue to push and bear down, you increase your risk of tearing or needing an episiotomy. The burning or stinging sensation only lasts for a short time and is followed by a numb feeling. This is due to your baby's head stretching your vaginal tissue so thin that the nerves are blocked. The result is a natural anesthetic."

Oh, yeah that is going to help me sleep. Why do they feel the need to provide this photo of a woman that seems to be experiencing the most horrific pain she has ever felt while she seems to not only be pushing, but also trying to get out of the bed as in a "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" and her gown is falling off and she doesn't care because she has a multiple of people walking in and out of her room, looking at her stretched and torn private place, so why would a little flashing of her milk makers make any difference?

I am getting a tad more nervous everyday. I know I can do it. Billions of women have given birth, hey cave woman gave birth with no drugs right? In a cave of all places, with dinosaurs pacing back and forth outside, waiting to hear if their next meal was going to be a girl or a boy. Ok, slightly morbid, I know, but hey I am lacking sleep here. Women have given birth in trains, planes and automobiles. In the woods, in villages with no electricity or fresh water, in their own homes. My main concern is that I will not know when I am in labor and then I will end up with no drugs, delivering my own baby in the checkout lane of Baskin Robbins as I wait for my sherbet on a plain cone. Well, that would give them press, and then maybe they would give me free ice cream for a year, but then again, I am trying to loose all the weight I put on, so maybe I should give birth at the gym or at a weight watchers meeting.

Look, I am going to put it out there for all of you to know something. Something I have not brought up at all this entire blog. Something many woman refuse to comment about, but it's time to come clean. Ah, how do I say this? I have stretch marks. Yes, there it is. Look, I used lotion, I tried to gain weight at a steady pace, but I guess I have to come to terms that I can't wear a bikini anymore. Damn there goes my Hawaii Tropic Suntan Lotion contests. I will have to wear a one piece. And you know what? After reading what I read above about tearing and stretching and all that jazz that is making one of my brows rise so high, it's lost in my hair and my lips purse tightly that I can feel the creases in them crack, I welcome stretch marks with open arms, or skin.

People use the phrase of jumping through hoops. How about through a ring of fire?



Yeah, I am huge and what?