Here's Another

Vivi 20 months

Lists. That has been my life for the last four months. A list of Vivi’s doctor’s appointments, dermatologist, ENT, pediatrician, after her surgery to remove her adenoids and tonsils it was a list of medications and times. A better list is all the things she is now doing and saying: watching Pixar movies of her choosing everyday, expanding her vocabulary to include words like “never mind”, “I don’t know” and “Vamanos”. Lists of all the homework I have to do, lists of work events and night meetings that add more than 40 hours a week to my work schedule. Lists that include dates with my hubby that we will actually go out to dinner and a movie and instead we end up eating in bed and watching a movie on cable which I actually enjoy quite more. Lists filled with times and subjects and items and dates and when one is crossed out another is added. Lists. The unwritten list of smiles and laughter and warmth when I do get to spend time with my family. Unwritten list of crying spells and doubt when I am not, intertwined with the other invisible list of wonderment and passion and awe and growth in my writing and myself. I crossed off my list my worry that my girl wouldn’t remember her mama because she does. She asks daddy “Mama?” when I am not there and lifts up her small palms and shrugs her shoulders. Broken heart. When I see her she snuggles with me now, and pets me like she does Olivia and she knows. She may not have the vocabulary to tell me or even the understanding to realize it, but she knows mama is doing what she is doing for herself and for her and for Cesar and even Olivia. The list of guilt is still there on a post-it note, but in the corner where it flaps with deep breaths and sighs and yawns, but it isn’t dead center anymore. On that list are doubt and some sad clouds that like to hang over me now and again, but that list, is at the bottom of my lists of lists. At the top of every list is my family. Bring on the lists. I am a writer. I have plenty of paper and ink.