Peace Love Baby

It’s amazing how many times I can fall in love. With each day that I lay eyes on Viviana, my heart dissolves into my soul and I am filled with a happiness I never thought existed. My need to protect her, to nurture her, to love her, to teach her and even learn from her twist all within my veins from the tip of my hair down to the tip of my toes.

I haven’t put into words lately how much she has grown. How she now sits up all on her own, how she has learned to get down from her little chair by tipping over, flipping on her back, kicking her feet and sliding down. How she babbles and how a couple of days ago she said “Quack, quack” When she watches her Baby Einstein DVDs, how Cesar and I know her favorite scenes and how we watch her face light up, her smile widen and her legs kick in delight. I haven’t written how even though she has been very fussy at night, fighting her sleep, how I love how she doesn’t want to leave us. How she likes to be in bed in between Cesar and I, Olivia resting her head on her lap. The other night Vivi was snuggled into my chest when she turned her face and placed her hand on Cesar’s chin and caressed it until she fell asleep. Nor have I written about how she now drinks juice and water out of her sippy cup, how she splashes in the bath tub and tries to catch the falling water from the faucet, how she pulls at Olivia’s lip and ears and how when Olivia nibbles on her chunky fingers, how she laughs.

All the days are one big blur, growing into one another, becoming inflated with life. Days full of self-doubt of whether I am the best mama I can be, of trying to fulfill my promise to her that I will be a better person, so she can be proud of me. Days full of that darn parental-guilt. Should I be taking a class that keeps me away from my baby all day every Wednesday? Should I even be thinking of grad school? Why didn’t I just become a vet, or an FBI agent or write my novel before she came, so I could be at home and watch her grow? I feel like I am missing all of it and what I am witness to, seems to come out of no where. When did she get long enough that her feet now touch the floor when she is in her walker? When did she start shrugging her shoulders as though to say, “I don’t know.”? When did she outgrow all those clothes?

I am so happy to see her healthy and happy, growing and yet it makes me sad as well because she is growing up so fast. Yes, she is only 6.5 months, but time doesn’t slow down for anyone. Life moves at a fast pace and you either ride the wave, fight the wave or drown.