Sleep?

14w 1 d

I find myself sleeping more restlessly now. Could it be the fear of sleeping on my back and cutting the blood off to the baby? So, each time I turn away from my left side and my body pillow, I wake myself. Could be that now my dreams which where vivid and intense to begin with has become what I didn't think they could ever be - even more vivid and intense? For example, I can't read nor watch the news anymore. I have had two incidents already, in which I read a story about a murder-suicide and that night I dreamt as if it happened to me. The other time, I read about terrorists and I dreamt I was taken hostage and then shot. I only want to hear happy news now. Have any?

I also wake up through-out the night. My eyes open wide, stare at the gray of the night, at nothing in particular since I can't see without my glasses, and wonder, "Will I be a good mother? The type of mother my child needs me to be?" and I will lay there, pondering all that I am, all that I will need to be to make my child a well-rounded human being that will contribute to this world. See, I find that most men worry about money. Will they have enough to provide food, clothes, shelter, education? Will they be able to buy the top stroller, the best diapers, put them in the best schools? Most women tend to worry about the upbringing. About the hugs after a fall, about the right way to discipline that will be firm but fair, about instilling in our children the need, desire and want to care, love and respect others. Together, there is a balance. Of course, women do worry about money, men about emotions, but we each take on one more than the other, so that we aren't all worrying about just one thing.

For the last 3 months and for the next 6, I can control my child's environment. I can protect him/her from almost anything. But then they enter the world, and the instinct to protect will be more than I can imagine now. All my feelings will be heighten. Love, fear, guilt, joy. My mind races with so many thoughts, that now they wake me. Knocking as I lay there wrapped around my pillow, saying "Hey. There is no rest now. Have you thought about this?" Perhaps, it's to prepare me for those other restless nights when 'lil Vargas cries for food, warmth, comfort. When they cry for me or Daddy. When they just want to be near us. To snuggle next to us. In between us, as we watch a movie with Olivia at our feet.

To those restless nights, I say "Welcome."